Religious parents using their daughter to make themselves look good in the church

I have posted this on a support community on Facebook.

Here I add more details in blue words with the hope to see things more objectively. 

My parents are fervent Catholics, especially my father. He has said over and over again that religion is the most important to him. When I was in college, one day suddenly he asked me to become a nun, not caring about the fact that I have my own life. He first made this request when I came home on a holiday during sophomore. Out of the blue, he, with my mother also present, said, “we went to church, and Mr. & Ms. X (long-time members of the church) talked about that their son on the way of becoming a priest. People in the church feel that Mr. & Ms. X deserve much admiration. So why don’t you become a nun?”

I was writing down their words, literally, without bias or exaggeration. I was so shocked that I will always remember what he said. Knowing my parents’ zealous attitude for religion, I knew they were not kidding. They never for once considered that  I have my own life. They just think it’s perfectly ok to give up my own life and become a nun so that they can be admired by other church members. Isn’t what he said self-evident that he and my mother wanted to receive the same admiration Mr. & Ms. X received from other church members at the expense of me sacrificing my whole life????

After I went back to university, I talked about this to my best friend at that time. And she thought my parents were absolutely crazy. I tried to brush it off, not knowing that their request would continue until this day. I had been resisting the Catholic teaching before that, and have made a conscious decision not to follow any religion. I just cannot stand the hypocrisy and gender bias in the church. So many hypocrites I have seen as I was forced to go to church and Sunday schools every weekend for so many years.

Anyway, back to my story.  After their initial request of me to become a nun, I kept resisting & they kept pushing. Even when I was studying in graduate school (there is another aspect of going to graduate school & their NOT wanting me to do that and NOT wanting me to succeed <particularly my mother>, which I will share in another post), they would make phone calls, only to ask me to quit graduate school & to urge me to move into a convent. They even had found out the convent’s address maybe from the church’s newsletter. Of course, I kept resisting. I believe because of my continuous resistance, they have always looked at me with disappointment and disdain in their eyes. They feel I have “failed” them because I don’t follow their wish to become a nun, so that they can be admired by the other church followers.

None of my friends or anyone I have known all my life has ever received such a request from their parents. So I always know something is wrong with them. Only recently I realized almost everything they did to me falls into the characteristics of NPD. 

Sometimes their narc behaviors seem unintentional, but sometimes they seem intentional. Take this crazy religious thing for example, they are aware they are pushing me into becoming a nun, but they seem not aware that it is not reasonable to demand someone to give up her life to make them “look good” in church. They don’t think there is anything wrong with sacrificing their daughter’s life. 

But again, my father once said “children are born to please their parents.” My parents really seem so sure of that. They don’t think there is anything unreasonable. Thy DO believe children are in this world only to please them. Well, in retrospect, not all of their children, maybe only me. My older brother is definitely their “ultimate golden child”.  My 2 much younger sisters are also more like “golden child”. By comparison, it is easy for me and any outsiders now to see I am the scapegoat.   

 (original post on Facebook): I’m 40 and my parents still haven’t given up pushing me into becoming a Catholic nun. They don’t care about my individuality. I’m just a pawn to them. This is only one of their narcissistic behaviors. I have come to accept that I am the scapegoat in my biological family. They have 3 other children on whom they just lavish their (supposed) love and money. When I was growing up, my mother only talked to me when she wanted me to do house chores or take care of my 2 much younger sisters. My father didn’t care about what’s happening inside the house. He has always been devoting himself to the church. I have always been invisible. Although I always did excellently academically, when I wanted to go to college, I had to beg them to support me. They never asked my 3 siblings to become a Catholic priest or nun. My siblings never had to beg for anything…..How sad….. I realized eventually I will need to take the NO Contact approach because my parents are incapable of any empathy , and I have little emotional attachment to all of my siblings since they have learnt to abuse me verbally and spiritually. I already tried to cut the connection with them little by little.

The following gave me much more insight into my parents’ behavior. What the author wrote is so similar to my family dynamics. I really hope eventually I will break free, and don’t need to call them “my” family.


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