A few weeks ago, I accidentally stumbled across an article on a Taiwanese website that mentions Dr. Karyl McBride’s book, “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?”. As I have always been interested in mother-daughter relationship, I got that book. At that time, had no idea what NPD was about. Then, during the process of learning more about NPD, natually I was led to learn more about co-dependency & highly sensitive or intuitive person.
I did realize that I picked up a lot of negative energy from my parents & grandfather. My mother and grandfathter hated eacher other, but my grandfather lived with us for about 10 years. It’s my mother’s job to take care of him, but she really hated him. (They carried on smear campaigns about each other, well, they were similar regarding that.) So she made me a go-between, bringing him meals, picking up his leftover food, sometimes passing on messages since they tried to avoid direct contact as often as possible. Meanwhile, I was under lots of academic pressure. As I was trained to be an extremely obedient child since age 4 or 5, I dared not say no to my mother’s requests, which also included doing housechores and taking care of my younger sisters. My parents made me and my sisters sleep in the same room since they were perhaps 6 and 5 years old. My youngest sister used to have some stomach problems, and so often I was woken up by her crying out of discomfort, and had no choice but to sacrifice my own sleep to comfort her. Sleep never came easy to me, and once awoken, it’s really difficult for me to go into deep sleep again. Not to mention that during that period, I had to get up at around 5:30 or 6 am to catch the bus to school. Physically and psychologically, something very terrible was happening.
Similar problem occurred even way before my sisters were born. When there were just my older brother and me, my parents also made us sleep in the same room although there were enough rooms for one child to have his/her own. My brother had very serious sleep walk symptoms. Therefore, I was frequently awoken by his uncomprehensible screaming & crying noises during sleep walk. Sometimes, I had to go to my parents’ room to wake them up to see what’s wrong with my brother. Sometimes, they would rush in to comfort him, but no one cared that I was also startled and frightened by his screaming & crying. After my parents comforted him, they just went back to their own sleep. So, that’s just one of the signs that I always knew I was invisible to them.
Only recently did I realize this long-term sleep deprivation had done very serious damage to my health since childhood.
Oh, and my mother has been a full-time housewife since she married my father in her early 20s. Numerous articles on NPD mention not being accountable/responsible as one of the characteristics. My mother is a living proof of that characteristic. But I am no longer mad at my parents. Now I just want to repair the damage they had done to me.
Enough about that bad memory.
Anyway, I was trying to decide if I am really an empath, and an experience just popped out in my memory.
This experience reoccured throughout my adult life, and I never told anyone (maybe afraid that people might think that I am crazy). Or I just thought it’s nothing, just coincidence.
The experience goes like this: Very often when i’m at a restaurant or cafe, very young children, maybe age 3-5 (the most recent one was maybe just a bit over 1 year old), would walk to my table & just keep smiling at me until their caretakers call them back. Sometimes, small kids riding scooters or bicycles with their caretakers passed by me, and turned around to keep smiling at me until they were out of sight, which happened when I was also riding my scooter, my face mostly covered with a paper mask to keep the air pollution out — so I would wonder, “he/she didn’t see my face, so why did he/she smile at me? Did he/she sense something about me?”
So frequently this has happened that when I walked in a restaurant, I would spot small children spontaneously, I wasn’t even thinking, & sometimes a thought just flashed by “he/she is gonna come to my table.” Although this spontaneous thought flashed by occasionally, it turned out true every time. Funny, I don’t consider myself a child person.
Then last night, as I was learning more about empathy & spiritual awakening, I came across this TED video: “Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening”
When he mentioned synchronicity, I almost had a goosebump moment. Is my experience a kind of synchronicity? So, does synchronicity have anything to do with being an empath?
Then, today I read this blog:
Quoted from the 2nd link:
“The aware empath is often described by others as ‘a beacon of light’. You will find that people are drawn to you and babies in particular will adore you – I often notice little children staring and smiling at me from their pushchairs when I’m out and about.
A similar thing can happen with animals. Empaths have a deep connection to animals and love to be around their energies. You may even find you prefer their company to that of people, as you feel animals – and their energies – are simpler and don’t have an agenda. Perhaps those ‘crazy cat ladies’ who prefer to live alone surrounded by felines are actually misunderstood empaths.”
Wow! Another goosebump moment when I read those words in blue.
huh, lots of journaling today.