Two days ago, I got somewhat upset because I was overwhelmed by flashbacks again. I realized no matter how hard I work, no matter how many achievements I gain, no matter how successful I am — not that I’m really successful , since I’m struggling to make ends meet under the influence of the economic recession– I feel my achievements are always “tainted”. People congratulated me on my achievement, but there’s always that voice in the back of my head, telling me I should doubt myself & I’m not as good as people say. That’s the voice from my unsupportive narc family, who have shunned & despised anything positive about me since I was a little girl. Their voice in my head taints everything good I try so hard to achieve. So, my achievement is tainted. I felt I can never celebrate anything without them criticizing me. For those who grew up with supportive parents or siblings, they can celebrate their achievements for the pure joy of them. Somehow, my achievement does not seem “pure” enough, & no pure joy is attached to any celebration, because I can still feel my narc family’s emotional & verbal abuse, my NM’s hateful stare directed toward me, just like a sting on my back that I might never get rid of.
Narc family members are the worst of the worst, the most evil of the evil. The way they treated me reminds me of those cruel, heartless people who would kick a stray dog when the dog is lying on the roadside, not hurting anyone. The stray dog is just trying to survive, but those evil people would kick it, abuse it for no reason, only because “the dog is there”. In fact, I once saw my narc brother did something like that to a stray cat. It made me feel so sick!
Even though I managed to survive them, they would not just let me be. They had to taunt at anything good about me, deny every tiny achievement of mine, as if they wanted to make sure all the time that I knew my place — nothing more than a worthless scapegoat/ punchbag to them!
Actually, after learning more about narc abuse, I believe that’s their purpose, mainly my narc parents’ purpose. They had to make sure I felt worthless, so that they could isolate me psychologically, physically, & even financially. My nb is only 2 years older than me, so I believe he began imitating my parents since he was only 4-5 years old; he learned from my parents it’s ok to abuse his younger sister. I have pity for my nb because his soul was “contaminated” by my parents, although that does not mean what he did was justified. Every human has free will– after he grew older, he chose to side with the bullies. I have pity on my brother’s childhood soul, but not his adult soul.
However, I was trying to get rid of old habits of thinking, & suddenly the hand dyed fabric artworks popped up. Maybe it’s a message from God. Instead of viewing my achievement as tainted, how about viewing the tainted part as adding to the uniqueness of our achievements. Hand-dyed fabrics are always unique, unlike those produced by machines. For all abuse victims & myself, our hard-earned achievements deserve much more celebration, since we had to work so much harder than people who grew up in a loving, supportive family!
I was thinking about the process of producing hand-dyed fabrics. In fact, about 11 years ago, I once wrote an article on this kind of artwork when I was working as an English journalist in a local English magazine publisher. I vaguely remember that during the process, one has to tie different knots with the fabric, or tying knots with some sticks before immersing the fabric into dyes in order to produce different patterns. Definitely, the tools & ways to tie knots vary according to how complicated the designs are.
How about viewing our tainted part as the knots & folding patterns during the process of making hand dyed fabrics? The more complicated the knots & patterns are, the more intricate, more unique, & more beautiful the result will be!