I recreated myself, so can you.

13 days have passed since the beginning of the new year.

Spiritually & physically, I have become a different person since one year ago.

I had had a recurring dream since childhood, and it continued until my early 30s. Nowadays, I guess as life became harder & harder, and there are so many things to worry about in order to survive, I hardly dream anymore. Even if I do, I don’t remember anything about my dreams. In this dream, I was climbing a very long stairway. Funny thing is, I remember there were no railings on both sides of the stairway. All I did in that dream was climbing, climbing, and climbing. In the dream, I knew there’s a door at the end of the stairway.  Sometimes I suddenly woke up before I reached the door. Sometimes I tripped & fell down the stairs, and woke up exactly at the moment I began to fall. Every time this happened, my legs actually jerked a little the second I woke up. In all of this repeated dreams, I never reached the door.

I always thought this dream was a result of too much academic pressure from school. In the small country where I grew up, the academic competition was much more fierce, compared with that in big countries.

Then, something unexpected happened a few days ago. When I was doing some errands, suddenly God told me, you don’t need to climb the stairs anymore.  I swear, I was not even thinking about that dream. God just revealed to me out of the blue about the truth of that dream. It’s not about the academic pressure. It’s about the stairs I was climbing in the incident when I was 4 years old & brought home by a stranger, and my nm obviously didn’t care why I came home with a stranger. She just opened the door, let me in, and went back to watch TV, without saying anything to me.  Never in my life had I connected this dream with that incident.  Out of the blue, the voice– if you don’t believe in God, it’s fine you call it the voice of the universe, the voice of Buddha, the voice of our higher consciousness, or whatever– told me, you don’t need to climb the stairs anymore. It’s not yours to climb in the first place. It’s all in the past; the stairs has nothing to do with you anymore. I didn’t know why at that moment God reminded me of the dream & told me the truth, I began to cry. Thank God now I spend lots of time working from home, so I could cry without any embarrassment. Those were happy tears, because I finally felt liberated.

Today, it occurred to me that in January, 2016, I was actually seriously considering taking my own life. Being raised by Catholic parents & having learned about Catholicism in Sunday schools, I knew too well I would burn in hell since committing suicide is one of the biggest sins in Catholicism. Yet, I was literally on the verge of doing that– that’s how hopeless & helpless I felt at that time. Eventually, I didn’t do it, because I was worried no one could take good care of my 3 furkids after I was gone.

Finding out about NPD in June 2016 saved my life. I’m a different person now.

Below is the first entry on this blog, about the incident aforementioned:

https://sarahwritingblog.wordpress.com/2016/06/14/beginning-to-recover/#comments

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